|
[31 Jul 2006|07:59pm] |
I've been roped into updating.
Not really actually.
So, how am i today?
I don't know ask Riddy. It's him who has to put up with it.
I don't really know what to say at all.
I'm just a bit lost. My dad phoned me last night. And he talked about stuff then just said how well i was coping with everything.
I was like 'whaaat'.
Am i that good an actor.
Who knows.
I know I'm not coping.
And it's gonna get a hell of a lot harder.
The move is in 3 weeks or so. Woopee.
*sits for 5 minutes whilst trying to think of stuff to say*.
Okay. So if i let you inside my head you cant judge me and tell me i'm stupid or that what i'm feeling is stupid. I know it is. I know that doing something stupid isnt the right thing to do. It's just the easy way out. Or is it? I dont think it can be easy to do it. Brave is what it is. Anyways. I feel like for the past year I've watched my family fall down. And all i've tried to do is keep us afloat so to speak. So now i feel like i should just drown too. I've given up. You know that way where you play dumb. You pretend that your legs, arms and head have turned to jelly and you start to fall, just as a joke, just to see who'll catch you. Well thats how i feel every day. Though it's not pretend.
And thats why I dont tell many people. How can i? Im not pretending.
I dont lie.
To anyone else but myself.
I'm gona take a walk soon.
Clear my head.
Started to take down my posters today.
Parts of my room look kinda bare and empty.
Sorta makes me sad.
The sun is shining right on the Pc
and i cannot see what im typing
so exuse the typos.
adios
|
|
|
[26 Jul 2006|10:47pm] |
my brother is down till saturday.
he's one of the few that i tell my life story too, mainly cos ours is practically the same and he understands it.
thing is, while i love to see him (cos its not often that i do) i just know that this week is gonna be full of long convos about my parents and all that and it's just gonna get me down.
he understands it all cos he's going through it too, its just theres so much you know and i dunno what im really saying now.
me and him have been trying to fix this mess for nearly a year now and well it hasnt really worked. all its done has messed us up. i suppose we have to realise that we're only young. how can we fix things that happened when we were little. you know?
when he first went to dundee i was devastated. like actually. before he went i was a bit of a loser and he was like my best friend. so i felt kinda alone. and then i made friends and adapted and all that. and then all of this happened and i guess its buggered me cos he's not been here. he's a phone call away. but it's not the same. im sorta going off on a tangent. and i cant remember what the actual point of this was. does anyone know? is anyone reading this? lol. whoa. i laughed. excellent.
at work today i had to clean all the litter surrounding the shop. if my life doesnt work out i think i can make it as a skiv working for the council. thats nice to know. im reassured. i can sweep.
|
|
|
[25 Jul 2006|05:09pm] |
i've been talking with my financial advisor (me) and he (i) seems to think i can afford a wee trip to Paris for my birthday. So it's booked. I still have enoug money to save for California so its all cool.
Just wanna get away. Chill for a bit. I've not done much the past couple of days but i've been sorta relaxed. Hung out at the beach today with my sisters. Day off today you see. Don't think i'll go to my dads later. Might just stay in and watch a wee film. Or have a nap. The sun sure tires you out.
Im working wed 4-10. thurs 2-6. fri - 4-10. sat/sun - 3-10.
SO feel free to come visit me in the spar. Hopefully next week i wont be working as much and i can just chill. One of the two folk i was covering for is back this week. The other is back next week i think. So all shall be well.
Anyways i have nothing of much interest to say.
tata.
|
|
|
[24 Jul 2006|01:08pm] |
i am properly stuck in a rut.
marc used that phrase and it rings true with me.
seeing as it's only folk im friends with on here i suppose i can say that i've been diognosed with depression. and though it might seem as a stunt for attention thats not what im doing. just needed to tell yous cos yous may have been creating your own ideas about me. you know that i never go out with yous and mostly stay in. i just dont want yous thinking ive'gone off' yous.
im just going through a terrible mindfuck at the moment. all i do is sleep or go to work.
dont get me wrong its not all lows. i can be very upbeat and happy. but thats all part of the deal really. immense highs and immense lows.
anyways i went to counselling a while back but i stopped going. and then the last month i sort of went downhill. really stopped being myself. on the brink of a dead uncertainty. and tbh the idea of not living anymore. but i went to the docs and thats when she told me. shes not putting me on anti depressants cos im still a teenager and shes forcing me back to counselling. i dont want to be drugged up so im glad about that. but counselling is pish and im not looking forward to that.
so thats whats been going on with me.
one the + side
the shop down the road from me and my own spar have a deal where you get two cadburys yoghurts (buttons. crunchie. flakes) for £1.
|
|
|
[11 Jul 2006|11:02pm] |
Seeing as we're all being so reflective i have had some realisations.
1) That my journals are probably the shittest you'l ever read because I'm not a natural at talking about myself. To actually get words from me about how I'm feeling requires getting a garden spade and digging and digging and digging and digging. I'm in there somewhere, underneath the shit physique and spar shirt.
2) I need to go to the Gym. Im getting fat and it's not on. I have the greatest curves known to (wo)man and they are slowly becoming hidden under my kebabs lol. So it's off to the gym to get back my sexier than sexy figure.
3) I'm always lost for words. This probably ties in with 1) but it's a point in itself. My mother is completely losing her mind and i feel like I'm not doing a thing to help her. When she breaks down in front of me I can't for the life of me think what to say. It's getting beyond ridiculous. Ever feel like there's a wall between you and something, usually a person. And no matter how much you want to get over it you just can't and then you end up feeling baws. Well that's what i get.
4) You all know that my parent's split has been the death of me this year. To be perfectly honest the split and everything that has followed and wrecked me. Because my family are not close, we have no where to turn for comfort. We can go to our friend, but as much as they try to help it's not the same as fixing it ourselves. And it's devasting me. To the point where i don't want to be here anymore. Not in the sense of suicide. I just want to pack up and leave. This probably won't help. But i can't be here. We're moving in 5 weeks, except they're all moving ie mum, andy, and the girls. I have to go to my dads till we convert the garage into a new room. Meaning i'll be at the opposite end of prestwick from my brother and my sisters who when it comes down to the truth are probably the most important people to me. How am i gonna cope with to-ing anf fro-ing back and forth, i have Uni in sept too. I'm just scared really. And it's an awful situation to be in.
5) Most of the time I feel like nothing. And this has been spurred on my family matters and social matters. I feel invisible most of the time. I don't lead an valuable life. Whats the point.
6) I don't know how to end this cos I've spilled a lot of sad stuff out and i can't think of anything comical to say...
IF THE CUSTOMERS DON'T SMILE
THEN GIVE THEM ONE OF YOURS.
There,
ta da.
|
|
|
[06 Jul 2006|12:25pm] |
so
i was not amused yesterday really
had a great day in arran
part from that my evening was shite.
we all know why, well maybe only one person knows.
it's not over, yet.
one last chance sorta thang
arg.
i feel like a bit of a fanny.
stacey was saying how we're all still real young and kidlike.
i feel about 80. so really, i'm due to die soon.
i have responsibilities flying out my ears. actually.
i wonder if i could get a transfer from paisley uni to like the university of mongolia.
i could just get away, it would be great.
sucks.
sucks.
sucks.
someone cheer me up this weekend please.
please.
please.
please.
please.
plase.
pealekqpr.
p edlskdlkmfnbnjg..
BAWS
|
|
| bacon?? |
[27 Jun 2006|06:05pm] |
I'm the reason that Santa comes to my house every night.
OOOOOOOH AHHHH AHHH AHH
in my head that sounded like a monkey
i dont know what it was meant to sound like
i'm feeling happier than i've been in a long while
for about 2 weeks i've literally felt like nothing
it's crazy
i've broke down like twice in front of riddy but i felt stupid.
like an inconvenience
anyways im geting over it a bit now
i think last night helped
just being at the pub with the guys, having ID and not being rejected.
also im pretty sure meex date raped me
so all in all,
i feel loved.
adios.
|
|
|
[19 Jun 2006|12:44pm] |
Never really update this.
Heh.
Just wanna say sorry to folk cos ive been a tool all weekend.
Really unhappy n that. Its what happens when you spend an hour talking about something to my brother.
Got me down like.
Lonely and stuff.
I dont really know what else to say.
Other than im a prat.
Maybe with another T.
|
|
| stuff |
[26 May 2006|01:00pm] |
Well.... Family life is a mess for reasons im not discussing on LJ.
HOWEVER
I did just get an Unconditional offer from Paisley (Ayr) for Cinema.
So that brightens my day slightly.
Plus im going to see the Da Vinci code later and inviting myself round to Staceys beforehand because basically im gonna be in town anyway getting myself a jumper and im not waiting 3 hours at the cinema/ Nor am i getting the bus home to come back in. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Plus then we can record stuff.
And have some much needed twin time. Indeed. Its when we haunt litle boys on tricycles in hotels. Yep.
I wish I could tell you
But the words would come out wrong
God, if you only knew
The way I've felt for so long
I know that we're worlds apart
But I just don't seem to care
These feelings in my heart
Only with you I want to share
The first time I caught a glimpse of you
Then all my thoughts were only of you
I hope that when time goes by
You will think the same about me
Many nights awake I lie
I only wish that you could see
I know that we're only friends
I hope this feeling never ends
If I could only hold you
It's the only thing I want to do.
Dont you just love that song. You all probably dont like it. But whatever.
Im going to sing it to Joaquin when i meet him.
I was thinking earlier on that if this Cinema course goes well and then if Allan continues to get attention for his films we could begin some sort of family movie extravaganza! I mean tonnes of families make it in the movies. Look at the Cusacks!
Get what i mean.
Allan directs/edits. I produce. Andrew acts. Rachael acts too maybe. Fiona writes.
PERFECT.
Then of course my musically talented mates (stacey, marc n meex) will do the soundtracks. Or maybe Marc would act. I can see him being the star of some teen sleaze movie.
Thats all for today.
|
|
|
[18 May 2006|06:57pm] |
Bit fed up like.
The other day i was thinking of how easy it would be for me to up and leave.
I dont wanna be here so.. why not?
In the film Closer, the girl just leaves the country whenever she splits up with someone. She's the one who does it and then just leaves that life behind. Doesnt take any clothes or anything. Just goes, fades into nothing. And starts again.
Im not saying im gonna dump Riddy and move away.
But one day I'm going. Soon.
And thats that.
|
|
|
[18 May 2006|11:33am] |
I listened to this song last night when i was having a fag out my window and it reduced me to tears.
WHY?
I dont have a clue.
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal.
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it
And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it
You said you'd never compromise
With the mystery tramp, but now you realize
He's not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
And ask him do you want to make a deal?
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns
When they all come down and did tricks for you
You never understood that it ain't no good
You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything he could steal.
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things
But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
|
|
|
[15 May 2006|01:58pm] |
Just as a sort of extra to Marcs entry I'm posting this.
I woke up this morning full of dread and like total negativity. I've noticed that no matter what i do something seems to go wrong. I try to make people happy and it doesnt really work at all. And i've noticed that I'm always alone. In a house with 3 children, tending to their every fucking need and it's just like WHAT?! WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE. I'm just sorta drifting not making a great deal of impact which is why i have about a handful of friends. I'm a drone at work and most of the time in a shitty mood. I'm not eating, my apetite has gone and I'm constantly worrying.
It's like I'm waiting to be let down because that is what i'm fucking used to. I'm waiting for Riddy to break up with me and i'm waiting for my friends to go. Cos really i look at myself and i wonder why the fuck do these people like me? I'm a bore.
Sound quite emo here. But i dont give a fuck.
This cant be it. This cant just be my life. Its not making me want to get up every day and live it. If there is any higher power out there he'll make something amazing happen to me. And soon. Cos i'm just stuck in an endless circle of absolute boredom.
Only boring people get bored. Too fucking right. I'm a bore. And angry and frustrated. And i'm sick of being taken for granted.
Thats all.
|
|
|
[03 May 2006|05:22pm] |
Seeing as we're all doing single word - sometimes more than one - line space space line - updates. I think i should participate.
Weekend was good.
99p cider got me hefty drunk 3 nights in a row.
The latter was the drunkest i've been in ages.
Blame Riddy.
Vans United kinda sucked. But, we made it up for it by............being cool?
Parkas and shades. A bit Noel Gallagher.
Steves Welsh accent.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
It's Wednesday and I'm doing a weekend update.
Two weeks next Tuesday i'll update about this weekend.
Oh yeah and I'm not pregnant.
Much relief.
Muchos Gracias and Adios. Bye bye.
|
|
|
[02 Apr 2006|11:02pm] |
GOOK!!!!!!
That was bloody funny.
Yeah this is a pish update.
Cant be fucked. Going to bed.
|
|
|
[20 Mar 2006|06:27pm] |
I CAN'T FORGET THE DAY I SHOT THAT BAD BITCH DOWN
I really can't.
Yeah so i havent updated in months.
Theres not much to tell.
I'm supervisor at work. I am eating pasta. And my wee brother is now a man.
See, not a lot to tell.
Though, coming back to Andrew - how funny is that!
Riddy and i were looking in his room for a dvd and we found a bit of a condom wrapper *bokes*. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Us Crooks are just a bunch of dirty hoes really aren't we.
Oh well.
Meex i stil have your Paddingtons cd. Darn. I can post it to you if you like.
|
|
|
[27 Jan 2006|04:36pm] |
Woooooaaaaaahhhhhh i'm updating.
This rarely ever happens anymore.
Days are boring and stuff. Nothing much has happened.
Finished my placement at Glenburn. Woopdy doo.
Done my exams.
You know that way when you have actually nothing to say.
I could talk about something like a sore throat like meex did.
But. I dunno, he's better at it.
Yeah
Not going tonight. Combination of cant be arsed/headache/tiredness. And plain boringness.
heh
bye
george galloway is a toss
|
|
|
[01 Jan 2006|07:13pm] |
I'm still sticking to what i said the other day... Happy Poo Year...
So i went to Steves and as i predicted there was arguments. Oh well. And then i went to La Arthurs. And then i went home. Fun eh. Slept til yon time today and watched Ladder 49 again whilst the mother was making digs about how my Dad didnt come to see us today. So yeah its exactly the effing same as last year.
Great.
So where do i got from now? Who knows. Fuck yous all.
Not everyone really. But you get the jist.
I'm giving up fags completely. I dont know what i was thinking. I went for 11 weeks and 6 days having barely smoked to last night. Shame on me. Effing shame on me.
Motherfooker.
|
|
|
[31 Dec 2005|01:26pm] |
I have this pain in my back. Its been there since 11pm last night. Its that pain when you eat something and you didnt chew it right so it hurts as it goes all the way down to your stomach. So everytime i eat something now, even the littlest thing it gets really painful. And not to mention drinking, that hurts too.
Bah.
2006 tomoro. Woopee. How shit.
|
|
|
[29 Dec 2005|03:04pm] |
So my infatuation with the Mormon has reached to new levels. The other night he was trying to convert me. The thing is though i've always wondered which religion would suit me and well to be pretty straight with yous i went and ordered a Book Of Mormon off a Mormon website. Yikes. The Mormon was gonna get me one from his church anyways...
I was saying to Marc that well everything bad always happens to non-believers doesnt it. This is my last ditched attempt to finally have some good in my life. And it doesnt matter that i've smoked, drank, took drugs, had sex previously because there is a glorious thing called Repentance. TA DA.
Heh. And please all you 'intelligent/argumentative people' please dont comment, just let me find my happiness ok. I cannot be arsed with the negativity/the bitching and slagging that is probably gonna commence.
Im not saying i am going to turn Mormon i just find religion interesting. And i'm going to read the Book of Mormon and see what i think of it. This isnt some attempt to get in there with The Mormon as he is going to America in a month or so. Hes just provoked what ive been thinking for a long long time.
Yeah, so anyways. I need something good to happen in my life. Ive been waiting for the shit to level out and well be gone and it hasnt happened so i'm obviously doing something wrong. I havent been dealing with things in the right way. I've been blocking out my friends. IE I have ignored Marc, Stephen, Meex and Paul for ages. Basically because i was jealous of how they were succeeding and having fun in life. Marc had a nice wee job was living like a rockstar in glasgow lol. I also got annoyed with his arrogance for a while but i cant change that can i. Its just him. He is bold and boisterous. Meex was having fun with student life i suppose. I on the other hand, was not. Pauls in love. And well to be honest, i never saw Stephen because i never saw the rest of them. On top of all this, i couldnt be bothered moving most days. But look at me, im saying this at least. Thinking about religion has given me clarity.
So yeah who knows what i'm going to do about this. I certainly do believe some stuff about the Mormon faith. When a Mormon is 19 they go and do a stint as a Missionary for 2 years in America. So who knows i might be leaving yous all. Maybe even for good.
|
|
|
[24 Dec 2005|12:47am] |
I have taken inspiration from Gerardo.
Heres a few things that BUG me.
Gay people. - Some are okay. But i don't see why they need to be in your face and all oooozing their bum sex. Its disgusting. I'm talking more about camp guys. It sickens me. But well...its their choice innit. I also severly detest butch lesbians. Absolutely no need. Yous can be all shocked and stuff that im such a homophobe but guess what... I DONT CARE AND DONT NEED TO IMPRESS NO ONE. All the homophobes such as myself should put our money together and buy an island. Then we should phone up gays and tell them theyve won a holiday. Then we send them to the island and that my friends is what we call an extermination. I may sound like Hitler but oh well. Technically im not a homophobe as i am not threatened or scared of them. I just dont like them. The same way as i dont like many other people. Bah fucking humbug.
Chico - It really sums up the 'glorious' country that is Britain when we get a person like that flouncing about as part of the X factor crew. HE IS SHIT. HE CANT SING. WHY DID HE GET SO FAR. He didnt entertain me either. He should be deported. We should burn his visa. And then send him to the Gay island where he would meet his death.
Spar live radio. - IT SUCKS HUGE BALLS. Most of the songs are shit. The guy who presents it actually likes the songs so he should be shot. And all the fucking cheesy advertisements bug me too. Arg.
Emotional torture - It sucks the balls. Crank up the medicine please.
Phoney friendships - Fuck off
Yeah. Im in a fantastic mood now. Im going to watch The Office now. I am tired.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
i_bangthedrums's journal